hornworm

Caterpillar Farewell

     Stripped leaves on her tomato plants.  She had to find out why.  Flashlight shining in the dark.  Nothing.  Then she saw it.  Camouflaged, green like the vines it was climbing.  A big, fat caterpillar.

She put her gloves on, picked it up, gingerly.  It wiggled, trying to squirm free.  She put it on the concrete, hit it with a brick.  Green goop squashed out, life ended.

She threw up on the grill her husband used for barbecuing steaks and hamburgers when the air was filled with fireworks on the 4th of July.

She could still feel it in her hand, moving desperately.  How badly it had wanted to live.

She found four more and put them in a jar.  She drove out to the country and set them free.

“Goodbye caterpillars,” she said.

They would find some nice plants with juicy stems.  They would grow big and strong, then spin little chrysalises.  In a few weeks, she’d say hello to four new butterflies.

Dear Readers, These seven stories are now available on both Kindle and Nook for your reading pleasure.  Best wishes, Ray Adams

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Book art by: Noel Gonzalez

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June 11, 2013:  Soviet Bad Gas:  Part XIII  By Ray Adams

     All three vans were soon running.  Probkin bowed and signed autographs at the Americans’ request.

Chinovnikov explained the problem was in the vehicles.  “These capitalist vans are not built for the difficult conditions of the Soviet road.  There are no plugs on the bottom.  Just a little twist and a Russian is on his way.  And you were here all day.  This is clear proof of the superiority of the socialist sytem to the capitalistic one.”

“I have also noticed that the socialist system produces very fine vodka, Comrade Chinovnikov,” Jim said.  “Especially Benzinov’s home brew.”

“Yes, his 66-octane-flavored stuff is well known in Novgorod Oblast,” Chinovnikov said, “If you’re a man, it’ll take the hair off your chest, while if you’re a woman, it’ll put it on.”

Dan turned to the side and opened his shirt, taking a quick look at his chest.  He smiled and quickly buttoned back up.

Benzinov brought out a fresh bottle of vodka and some more glasses.  He poured generous shots for Chinovnikov, Jim, Dan, himself, and even the chemist.  Jim noticed that the chemist and Benzinov had begun to sneak looks at each other.  Well, she certainly wouldn’t be having much tea with Lakeyev in the future, so why not?

Dan strummed on the guitar he’d gotten from Narizev as the group toasted cows, bulls, friends, bad gas, good vodka, and building socialism.  Benzinov downed his in one great gulp, but then scared the contented cows in the field with an ear-splitting belch.

Jim and Dan smiled, but Chinovnikov simply patted the tufted redhead on the back and said, “It’s nothing, my vodka-making friend, nothing at all.  Just a little bad gas.”

Dear Readers, These seven stories are now available on both Kindle and Nook for your reading pleasure.  Best wishes, Ray Adams

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Book art by: Noel Gonzalez

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June 4, 2013:  Soviet Bad Gas:  Part XII

By Ray Adams

     Three official-looking Soviet vehicles and two GAI cars were parked by the stalled vans.  A man in a grey jumpsuit was introduced to Jim and Dan as Probkin, a master mechanic.  Probkin shook their hands, then put a long plastic tube into the gas tank of one of the vans.  He sucked on the tube until a clear liquid came flowing out.

“If that’s not water, then I’ve never eaten sour cream and borscht,” he said.

When gas appeared, he stopped the flow and told Dan to start the van.  It sputtered briefly, then turned over.  All the Americans and Russians cheered wildly.

Lakeyev’s chemist, a lady wearing a white smock, approached Chinovnikov and said, “The sample was inconclusive, Comrade Chinovnikov.”

“Of course it was, you imbecile.  Water is heavier than gas and you took your sample from the top.  So you only got good gas.”  The woman began to tremble as much as Benzinov had five minutes earlier and Chinovnikov hadn’t even mentioned ice fishing.

Benzinov pointed to the adjacent field.  “Look at the cows,” he said.

A farmer had led out what must have been a stud bull.  It began to mount the cows one by one until all ten of them had a little fling.  The work on the vans stopped while the Americans and Russians watched this impromtu entertainment.

“Damn it to hell!” Chinovnikov said.  “I was so happy to be sending Benzinov to Novosibirsk, but now I can’t.”   He turned to the Americans, “In our country it is said that people can never truly be friends until they watch cows together.”

“Come here friends.”  Chinovnikov embraced Jim, Dan, and Benzinov in turn, then kissed each on the cheek   The chemist was quick to join the line to get her kiss.

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Book art by: Noel Gonzalez

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May 28, 2013:  Soviet Bad Gas:  Part XI

By Ray Adams

     Apparently filled with fear at the prospect of meeting Chinovnikov, Narizev excused himself, although not before asking if the Americans had any jeans for sale.  They didn’t, but Dan traded his denim jacket for Narizev’s guitar, saying it would liven up the rest of the trip.  Five minutes later, Chinovnikov arrived.

He was massive, although standing no taller than 5’7”.  His coat was about two sizes too large, his pants baggy and held up by black suspenders with gold hammer and sickle designs on them.  He had on a bright red shirt and a dark coat with a wilted carnation in its lapel.  His hair was dark and receding, and his face like that of a bulldog trying to smile.  When he spoke, his voice filled the cubbyhole office with a rumbling sound like a volcano on the verge of erupting.

“What’s this?” Chinovnikov said.  “Pickled pigs feet and vodka?  Is this the way you build socialism?”  Benzinov’s body was shaking as badly as a naked man out in snow during a Siberian January.

Chinovnikov picked up a half empty glass of vodka and sniffed it.  “Home made, I see.  And adding 66 octane gas for flavor.  How would you like to manage a gas station on Siberia’s beautiful Lena River?  You could go ice fishing between customers.”

“Believe me, Comrade Ch-ch-chinovnikov, there is nothing wrong with my g-g-gas.  Only these Americans have com-complained and we’ve pumped thousands of l-l-liters today.”

“We shall see,” Chinovnikov said.

Jim and Dan looked at each other and smiled, glad to have finally pushed the right button.

Dear Readers, These seven stories are now available on both Kindle and Nook for your reading pleasure.  Best wishes, Ray Adams

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Book art by: Noel Gonzalez

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bratruckMay 21, 2013:  Soviet Bad Gas:  Part X

By Ray Adams

     Narizev finished his first song, then broke into “The Sad Story of my Suitcase.”  The tune  was so amusing that it lifted Jim’s spirits to such a degree that he knew he must be on the proper path for learning how to drink to forget.

When the song was over, Narizev said, “This is so much fun.  But wait, you American comrades are stuck here.  There must be someone who can help you.”  He hit his head with the palm of his hand.  “Get the vodka circulating,” he said and winked.

“Wait, you must have an itinerary filed with Intourist?”  Jim nodded his head.

“That means Intourist is responsible for you.  If you don’t get to your next stop today, then Intourist is in serious trouble,” Narizev said.

Benzinov hit the side of his head and pulled out a greasy dog-eared phone book.

In two minutes, Dmitry Ivanovich Chinovnikov, bureau chief for Novgorod Intourist, was on the phone.  Jim quickly explained the problem.

“What’s that old sot Benzinov doing?  Getting drunk, I suppose,” Chinovnikov said.  “Well, perhaps he will be managing a gas station in the middle of Siberia before long.  I will arrive shortly.”  Jim felt relieved for the first time that day.

“Wait a minute, Benzinov,” Narizev said.  “Did I hear this Chinovnikov is a certain Dmitry Ivanovich?”   Benzinov nodded his head.  “That old bear has it in for me.  And for no reason.  I merely took his daughter to Kiev one weekend.  We were gone two weeks, but time passes quickly in the Ukraine, you know.  Chinovnikov should have understood.  Or maybe it was the fact that I had her brassiere tied to my rear view mirror when I dropped her off.  Yes, he is a very narrow minded individual indeed.”

Dear Readers, These seven stories are now available on both Kindle and Nook for your reading pleasure.  Best wishes, Ray Adams

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Book art by: Noel Gonzalez

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May 14, 2013:  Soviet Bad Gas:  Part IX

By Ray Adams

     As the four drank vodka and ate snacks, Narizev said, “Well, this is turning into a nice party.  If I only had my balalaika, but damn it all, I had to smash it over some comrade’s head in a beer hall in Leningrad.  But I took his guitar for compensation.  I’ll go get it.”

Narizev’s exit reminded Jim that nineteen people were depending on him and Dan to get the vans rolling again.  He used Benzinov’s phone to call Lakeyev.

“Everything is proceeding through the proper channels in a satisfactory manner,” Lakeyev’s clipped tones told him.

“That means nothing to me, Comrade Lakeyev.  What exactly is happening?”

“The chemist is out to lunch.  She might be back in two hours.  But nothing is to be done.  You see, I have come to the conclusion that none of this is my responsibility.”

“How can that be?  Then whose problem is it?”

“Lenin only knows.  Unfortunately he passed away several decades ago.  Please don’t call me again.  And don’t call the chemist either.  She and I are going to have tea shortly.  But I do have one question for you, Comrade Jim.  Do you know what it’s like to drink to  forget?”

Jim said no, and Lakeyev continued, “Sadly enough, neither do I anymore.  But at times like this, I wish I could remember.”  The phone clicked off.

Narizev had returned with his guitar and begun a song called “My Address is the Soviet Union.”  Dan and Benzinov were dancing arm in arm around the desk.

Jim poured a generous shot of vodka, wondering if he could learn what it was like to drink to forget.

Dear Readers, These seven stories are now available on both Kindle and Nook for your reading pleasure.  Best wishes, Ray Adams

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Book art by: Noel Gonzalez

http://noelgonzalez.com/contact.html

 


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May 7, 2013:  Soviet Bad Gas:  Part VIII

By Ray Adams

     The four drank the vodka down and pased the sunflower seed around.  Benzinov refilled the glasses, and they toasted American blue jeans, Russian vodka, Soviet gasoline, and Pepsi Cola.  This process was repeated and everything was going well until the sunflower seed came to Narizev for the third time.  His enormous pomegranite nose sucked the seed directly into his left nostril, where it lodged.

Benzinov immediately shouted, “Now look what you’ve done, Narizev, you capitalistic pig.  We only have one seed to share and you want to hog it all for yourself.  This is no way to build socialism, you black marketeer.”

Jim and Dan tried hitting Narizev on the back.  His face was turning the same color as his nose, but the seed refused to budge.  Benzinov found some pepper in his desk and inserted it into the unblocked nostril.  This caused an end-of-the-world sneeze on Narizev’s part.  The seed came flying out and shattered as it hit the ruined floor.

“Now we have no snack at all,” Benzinov said.  “You may be a good Communist, Narizev, but your nose is a moneybag capitalist if I ever saw one.  How can we drink now?”

Narizev, visibly shaken, only muttered something under his breath.  Masha rushed into the office, the spaceships on her thighs seeming to defy gravity.

“Look,” she said, “I traded some ribbons for pickled pigs feet and a loaf of black bread.  A truck driver’s wife in Sverdlovsk will be happy when her husband gets home.”

The four thanked Masha, Benzinov remarking that she could probably trade a dead flea for a bottle of Georgian champagne.

Narizev began to regain his strength and Benzinov poured some more vodka.

Dear Readers, These seven stories are now available on both Kindle and Nook for your reading pleasure.  Best wishes, Ray Adams

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Book art by: Noel Gonzalez

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April 30, 2013:  Soviet Bad Gas:  Part VII

By Ray Adams

     Narizev’s pockets proved to be a treasure house.  He pulled out Soviet coins, movie ticket stubs, lottery receipts, pieces of paper with phone numbers on them, a piece of colored string, a comb with missing teeth, a set of keys, a package of prophylactics, a used blue and white hankerchief, three goose feathers, an old copy of Pravda, a rabbit’s foot, two beer bottle caps, and a sunflower seed.

“Ah hah!” he said, “that’ll do it.”

“Narizev, you moron,” Benzinov said, “if you think we’re going to snack on a rabbit’s foot that has been in your pocket for Lenin knows how long, then you are a serious candidate for an insane asylum.”

“Benzinov, you fool, you unpoetic clod!  Not the rabbit’s foot, you raving maniac, you vodka-drenched sot.  The sunflower seed, you refugee from a collective farm.”  Narizev’s stainless steel teeth flashed as he spoke in the gloom of Benzinov’s office.

“My dear Comrade Narizev,” Benzinov said as he fingered his rusty tufts, “surely you jest.  If we cut this damned sunflower seed into four pieces, why we won’t even have enough to get caught between our teeth.”

“We will pass it around and smell it, you Siberian wolfhound.  Obviously we cannot eat it, you Polish speculator.  We will sniff it, and that, so to speak, will be our snack.  The devil take it, you uneducated coolie.”  Narizev’s nose looked like it might explode.

Toasts followed.  Benzinov’s was to their American comrades, Jim’s to building socialism, Dan’s to lovely-legged artists like Olga Korbut, and Narizev saluted Russian sunflower seeds.  As Jim and Dan raised their glasses high, they began to realize that reading War and Peace had not prepared them for meeting real live Russians.

Dear Readers, These seven stories are now available on both Kindle and Nook for your reading pleasure.  Best wishes, Ray Adams

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Book art by: Noel Gonzalez

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April 23, 2013:  Soviet Bad Gas:  Part VI

By Ray Adams

     Narizev indicated he was ready for more vodka, but Benzinov insisted on finding out what had happened with the lovely-legged artist hitchhiker before he poured another.

“A trifle,” Narizev said, “a mere trifle.  When we stopped in Kuybyshev for gas, I offered her some of your special vodka and – the devil take it – I had what I wanted and my nose besides.  The hell with legs!  When it comes right down to it, you just push them aside anyway.  Let’s have another drink.  I can hardly spit anymore.”  However, Narizev immediately contradicted himself.

Then Narizev set his glass on the battle-scarred surface of Benzinov’s desk and said, “But wait, how can we drink vodka without snacks?  We’re Russians after all.  Or at least half of us are.”  He saluted Jim and Dan.

Benzinov searched for an old cucumber he said he had put in his desk drawer, but found nothing.  He then summoned Masha.

She told him he ate the cucumber the day before when he drank vodka with the collective farmers from the Red Star Kolknoz.

“Damn it, Masha, we are thirsty comrades.  We need snacks and we need them now.”

“If only you had told me earlier, I could have bartered with that vegetable truck that gassed up here.”

“All right, keep an eye out,” Benzinov said, “but no turnips.  Maybe some salted herring or peanuts.  We have Americans here.  They like peanuts, the devil take it.”

Narizev mumbled something about not knowing what the devil might have left in his pockets and began emptying their contents onto Benzinov’s desk.

Dear Readers, These seven stories are now available on both Kindle and Nook for your reading pleasure.  Best wishes, Ray Adams

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Book art by: Noel Gonzalez

http://noelgonzalez.com/contact.html

 


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April 16, 2013:  Soviet Bad Gas:  Part V

By Ray Adams

     Narizev gulped down a generous taste of the vodka Benzinov handed him, wiped his mouth and began talking.

“Yesterday, I picked up a young woman hitchhiking in the Urals region.  ‘I am a painter,’ she says.  ‘And I am the devil’s cloven hooves,’ I reply, ‘which is why I don’t have to go around begging for rides in the middle of nowhere.’”  Narizev paused for a moment to spit on the floor, then continued.

“’I want to paint your nose,’ she says, ‘I’ve never seen anything quite like it in my life.’  ‘You’re too late,’ I tell her, ‘If you’d open your eyes, you’d see that someone has already done the job and without my consent.  I would never have chosen this color.  But I’m used to it and damned if I want to look in the mirror and see a green or blue monstrosity, or black and white zebra stripes staring me in the face.’  ‘No,’ she says, ‘I want to do a portrait of your nose.  Please, kind sir, you could have what you want.’”

Narizev drank some more vodka and went on.

“I realize this is something I have to think about, with all due apologies to my wife in Oriol, but then I tell her, ‘No, with your beautiful legs you probably have talent and the picture would become famous and someone would buy it and there my nose would be, hanging on a wall in bourgeois comfort while I was on the road building socialism.  And would I be able to have a brandy and a cigar under my nose’s auspicious gaze?  No, my lovely-legged painter.  So, I’ll keep my nose right in the middle of my mug where it can at least hold up my sunglasses when I’m down on the Black Sea.’”

Dear Readers, These seven stories are now available on both Kindle and Nook for your reading pleasure.  Best wishes, Ray Adams

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Book art by: Noel Gonzalez

http://noelgonzalez.com/contact.html

 

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